Did I Say That I Need You?
by Jaibesoindunbiscuit
Summary: Bucky could be happy, with Wanda and the team and their new home. He could be very happy if Hydra and the government and the media would just leave them all alone.


AN: So I'm actually not sure yet if I want to make a multi-chapter story for this, or if I want to make it more like a series of one shots. We'll see.

Anyways, there's angst ahead, of course. And swearing.

And this time the title comes from Pearl Jam, "Just Breathe".

* * *

"We have reason to believe that Hydra is reforming."

"Which we were told couldn't possibly happen," Tony cuts in.

Maria does not look happy about the interruption. "In any case, they have managed to regroup, with an alarming number of recruits. We don't know much, but we do at least know what the end game is. Besides the usual world domination and destruction of the Avengers, they're focusing on..."

Maria hesitates, and Bucky catches her eye as she looks his way.

"We have intel that Hydra is targeting you. Well, not just you, Bucky, but Wanda, Deathlok, former agent Amador, maybe even Daisy Johnson. Everyone they ever had who managed to survive."

Bucky stops listening after that. It's not like he's surprised; Hydra put so much time and money into all of their assets, of course they want them back (or want to take them out so no one else can use them). Plus it would be the best way to take down the new SHIELD and the Avengers in one blow. It's a good strategy.

He'd been expecting to hear this news for a while, actually, ever since they tried to tell him that Hydra was gone for good. He had openly laughed, knowing that Hydra rats always had holes to hide in. It was only a matter of time before they got bold enough to crawl back out in the open.

So no, he isn't outraged or shocked like most of the team is. He's terrified, sure, but that's hardly new, and he doesn't even try to focus on the strategizing and planning. It's not like they can make a move right away, not with all the new government oversight, and he knows from the sympathetic look on Sam's face that he'll fill him in later.

What Bucky is focused on is Wanda. She's sitting next to him, like she always does in these meetings, but she hasn't said a word. She hasn't even looked up this whole time; she just keeps staring at the table. She must have known what Maria was going to say, Bucky thinks, and is grateful that Maria thought to warn her ahead of time.

He realizes vaguely that the meeting is coming to an end, and before anyone can do anything Wanda bolts out of the room. Natasha moves to stand up, like she wants to go after her friend, but Bucky beats her to it.

"It's ok, I've got it," he says. Steve says something, Bucky doesn't quite catch it. But he sees the pained look on Steve's face, and he knows it's because of him, and he can't handle that right now. So he just sort of shrugs and walks out after Wanda, knowing Steve has plenty of other people to help him deal with this.

* * *

By the time Bucky makes it up to their apartment Wanda is sitting on the couch, knees pulled up to her chest and arms wrapped around herself. She looks so small curled up like this, and so young, and the resigned expression on her face makes what's left of Bucky's heart break.

"Maria told you before?" He finally asks, like that really matters.

Wanda nods, still not looking at him. "She came to see me this morning right after you left. Apparently she wasn't sure how you were going to take the news and wanted my advice before talking to you. I told her she didn't need to worry because it wouldn't be a surprise you."

That's not the answer he's expecting. Not at all. "So you've known all day?"

She nods again. "I wanted to call you but I didn't...you were with Steve and Sam and I didn't..." She's struggling to explain. "I didn't want to ruin your day."

Bucky's not grateful any more. He assumed that Maria had pulled Wanda aside before the meeting and given her a quick heads up, not ambushed her, in their home, first thing in the morning. Finding out that Maria, who he's pretty sure has barely ever spoken to Wanda, purposely waited until he was gone, until Wanda was alone... All so she could gauge _his_ reaction... it'd be different if it was Natasha or Sharon, or even Daisy, but this was not a friend wanting to let Wanda have her privacy. This feels manipulative and sneaky and he hates it. And of course Wanda is so fucking selfless and didn't want to bother anyone so she sat and suffered by herself all day, and now she feels guilty that she didn't tell him...

Wanda isn't a spy, and for good reason. She's deceptively tough, and very smart, but she's also entirely too kindhearted, and she shouldn't have to deal with this sort of crap.

He really, really hates this. And he is going to have _words_ with Maria.

He's still standing in the doorway, which is hardly comfortable, so he starts walking into the room to sit next to Wanda when she says, "I wasn't surprised either, you know. I just... I'm just scared, I guess. For all of us." She laughs, without any humor. "I didn't think anything could scare me any more. I mean, it's sort of funny isn't it? All the things I've faced, but someone mentions Hydra and I'm shaking." She holds up a trembling hand for emphasis.

And he suddenly feels paralyzed, trapped in the middle of the room. He thought he knew what he was doing, but now he realizes he doesn't have a clue. He thought he would give her a confident smile and say something like, "It'll be ok, sweetheart" and it would be. But now he realizes how cheap that would be, because they both know it's not true. If Hydra is coming after them, someone is going to get hurt.

Logically, it would make sense to take her out or to capture her first, because she's the most powerful of them all. The thought of them hurting her (again) sends a wave of nausea through him. She hasn't told him much about her time with Hydra, but he knows enough to fill in the blanks. He remembers Pierce talking about Strucker, and he's read the files about the "barbaric" experiments. And that's just the stuff that made it into the official report; he can only imagine what they didn't put in. He knows that not all of her nightmares are about losing her family or her time on the streets in Sokovia. He knows that her worst nightmares the ones that have her screaming and begging for mercy, those are souvenirs of Hydra. She's never told him as much, but he knows.

She has told him why she joined Hydra in the first place, though: the desperation and terror of being homeless in a war zone and watching the people she knew die one by one. She had been so earnest when she explained it all to him, like she was afraid he wouldn't get it and would hate her for volunteering. But he does get it. Of course she joined Hydra; what other choice did she have? Everyone always talks about how unfair life's been for Bucky, and no shit, they're right, but what about her? At least he had a couple of good decades before Hydra sucked him in. He had friends and a big family and a future full of opportunity. He had good things he can look back on now. All she had was her brother, and even he got taken away from her.

And what has she got now? A teammate who doesn't show her any goddamn consideration? Who lurks outside her home to spring bad news on her when she's alone?

"I have you," Wanda says. She's giving him this incredibly fond look, which would normally make him melt, but he's already worked himself into a righteous fury on her behalf.

"That's not much," he answers, voice rough.

"You're more than enough."

He shakes his head, not wanting to argue but not knowing what else to do. "You deserve so much more. You deserve better." He finally manages to walk across the room and sit down next to her. He's faced with his original dilemma. He doesn't know whether to reach out for her or not; she might need space. Or whether to talk about what's coming or not; she might need time. Or whether he should try to act brave or not; she might see right through him.

He doesn't know what to say.

"There's nothing to say. Nothing's going to make this better." She's looking at the floor again, and her English is getting worse, just like it usually does when she's upset. "People always tell me lies when they feel bad for me. They say that I am going to be safe, the danger is gone, the fight is over, and you know what? It never lasts. They are always wrong. I wish people would stop saying so much."

"What do you want me to do, then?" He feels bad that he has to ask. A better man would know.

"I just..." She seems at a loss, too, like she knows what she wants but isn't sure how to ask for it. "Could you hold me, please? Just for a little bit. I..."

He wraps his arms around her and pulls her into his lap before she can finish whatever was coming next.

"Thank you," she says as she burrows her face into his neck.

They're quiet for so long that he thinks she's fallen asleep. He's debating whether he should carry her to bed or not when she whispers, "I always feel safe with you."

Part of his brain knows he should protest, remind her that he can't protect her like he so desperately wants to. But he doesn't because briefly, just for the tiniest of moments, he feels proud. Not of someone else (he's always proud of Wanda and Steve and the team), but of himself. The woman he loves feels safe when she's with him, and that makes him proud. He wonders if she realizes the magnitude of what she just said.

Then he remembers that it doesn't matter because Hydra's coming for both of them, and he feels the fear tear through his body anew.

She lets out an exasperated sigh and digs her nails into his arm.

"Couldn't let yourself be happy even for a minute, could you?"

But that's the problem. He could be happy, with her and the team and their new home. He could be very happy, if Hydra and the government and the media would just leave them all alone. But that's never going to happen.

Like she said, it never lasts.


End file.
